Or When Not to Experiment with Your Grooming Habits
What is about to follow is a story that falls into the TMI category, of which I’m known. Apologies are offered in advance. I would also note this is potentially NAFW so you’ve been warned…
Friends, I have thoughts about The Hair Down There (THDT) and could go on quite the rant but I’m going to leave the honor to Grace or Mae. We’ve discussed the issue of THDT a number of times and I think they’d do the topic better justice than I. That being said, I was of the bare persuasion for a number of years following an incident involving a boat party, a swimsuit, and wayward tuft of THDT. Apparently it takes something like 10 years to recover from that kind of thing but the good news is I decided it was time I return to a natural state. And return to the natural state I did. In a pretty serious way. As in my nether regions were like the dense depths of a jungle. Sans critters, of course. It’s not like I had to prepare myself for any type of swimsuit situation given the season. Not to mention I don’t currently stock any of the necessary grooming accoutrements so I sort of thought of this as my time to prime the canvas. I could get creative later on.
Or so I thought.
As Grace mentioned, I attended a wedding this past weekend. I was working with roughly 19 eligible bachelors (a generous estimate). This meant the odds were pretty high that I’d come across an attractive gentleman or two and while I don’t oppose a good looking man, I was determined that I would not give in to the drunken wedding make out. And really, I don’t know why it was that I decided for it to be the Weekend of Resistance. There’s nothing wrong with a good make out and a wedding one is particularly nice since it’s easier to avoid the post-make out awkwardness. Still, I got the thought in my mind and wanted to stick to it.
My friends were of the opposition on this one as I’m the lone single friend and they live vicariously through my experiences. If there’s a hot guy or scandalous situation you can bet they’re pushing me into it and I suspect it’s only because they can’t do so themselves. So when my makeup was complete, my hair was coiffed, and I was looking pretty damn good, they were on a mission. One girlfriend was particularly determined to introduce me to every Eligible of her acquaintance and I can’t say I objected. Once I was there, looking rather fetching in an elegant bridesmaid dress (I know! I was shocked!) I wanted to bring all the boys to my yard (as Grace might say). Which, now that I think of the phrase, takes on a whole other meaning given the state of my lady bits…
Slip me a glass or wine
or five and I become an amalgam of the dancing queen and coquette. It wasn’t long before a rather attractive man entered the scene. We’ll call him Ferragamo Fred – oh, was he dapper! I spent a good deal of time admiring his stellar choice in tie and footwear when I wasn’t shooting him seductive looks. After three hours and several dances with Ferragamo Fred, all thoughts of resistance flew out the window.
I had visions of Ferragamo Fred flitting through my mind as I returned to my hotel room to prepare for the post-reception bar revelry. And while I was tipsy, I wasn’t drunk enough to ignore the fact that I was less than comfortable with my new grooming habits. True, I embrace it in theory, but I was obviously not comfortable embracing it in practice because a shower sounded like a stellar idea.
Friends, it’s just that I didn’t know how I would have felt if THDT made an appearance that night. After 10 years it can take awhile to get back in the swing of things and while I embrace change, I do so in a gradual way. Suddenly, my newly ungroomed state had me in a panic and I can only tell you it was because I didn’t know the guy that well. You might be the type that would rather experience this type of thing with a stranger and there’s nothing wrong with that. I just happened to come to the conclusion that I need someone known, with whom I could guarantee acceptance. If a guy, stranger or not, does not accept my non-bare nether regions then he’s a jerk but that night I didn’t feel confident I’d take a stand for myself if he gave me a weird look. And if there’s a time that I might get a weird look I want to be sure I will say something and put him in his place to do my views on the subject justice.
At this point I should perhaps allay any fears you had for my HDT. It took a lot of time to get back to the au naturale state so there was no way I’d completely undo my hard work, but I did do a bit of gardening (taking the yard bit too far?). I don’t recommend wielding a razor at 12:30 AM, and at that hour the bar of soap becomes a slippery little sucker, but when all was said and done my nether regions resembled something more akin to a small copse.
I wish I could tell you the rest of my evening end involved dark corners, Ferragamo Fred, and a slip of the tongue, but alas, the wine started to leave my system and I resistance once again seemed like a good thing. Needless to say, if you’re considering an experiment with your grooming habits, I recommend you consider the situation in advance. Think about what time will be ideal for you to embrace your newly natural state. I’m a bit disappointed that I didn’t feel more comfortable with the situation and I would hope that others could have a different, more confident, experience if choosing to go that route.