The Hair Down There

Or  When Not to Experiment with Your Grooming Habits

What is about to follow is a story that falls into the TMI category, of which I’m known.  Apologies are offered in advance.  I would also note this is potentially NAFW so you’ve been warned…

Friends, I have thoughts about The Hair Down There (THDT) and could go on quite the rant but I’m going to leave the honor to Grace or Mae.  We’ve discussed the issue of THDT a number of times and I think they’d do the topic better justice than I.  That being said, I was of the bare persuasion for a number of years following an incident involving a boat party, a swimsuit, and wayward tuft of THDT. Apparently it takes something like 10 years to recover from that kind of thing but the good news is I decided it was time I return to a natural state.  And return to the natural state I did.  In a pretty serious way.  As in my nether regions were like the dense depths of a jungle.  Sans critters, of course.  It’s not like I had to prepare myself for any type of swimsuit situation given the season.  Not to mention I don’t currently stock any of the necessary grooming accoutrements so I sort of thought of this as my time to prime the canvas.  I could get creative later on.

Or so I thought.

As Grace mentioned, I attended a wedding this past weekend.  I was working with roughly 19 eligible bachelors (a generous estimate).  This meant the odds were pretty high that I’d come across an attractive gentleman or two and while I don’t oppose a good looking man, I was determined that I would not give in to the drunken wedding make out.  And really, I don’t know why it was that I decided for it to be the Weekend of Resistance.  There’s nothing wrong with a good make out and a wedding one is particularly nice since it’s easier to avoid the post-make out awkwardness.  Still, I got the thought in my mind and wanted to stick to it.

My friends were of the opposition on this one as I’m the lone single friend and they live vicariously through my experiences.  If there’s a hot guy or scandalous situation you can bet they’re pushing me into it and I suspect it’s only because they can’t do so themselves.  So when my makeup was complete, my hair was coiffed, and I was looking pretty damn good, they were on a mission.  One girlfriend was particularly determined to introduce me to every Eligible of her acquaintance and I can’t say I objected.  Once I was there, looking rather fetching in an elegant bridesmaid dress (I know! I was shocked!) I wanted to bring all the boys to my yard (as Grace might say).  Which, now that I think of the phrase, takes on a whole other meaning given the state of my lady bits…

Slip me a glass or wine or five and I become an amalgam of the dancing queen and coquette.  It wasn’t long before a rather attractive man entered the scene.  We’ll call him Ferragamo Fred – oh, was he dapper!  I spent a good deal of time admiring his stellar choice in tie and footwear when I wasn’t shooting him seductive looks.  After three hours and several dances with Ferragamo Fred, all thoughts of resistance flew out the window.

I had visions of Ferragamo Fred flitting through my mind as I returned to my hotel room to prepare for the post-reception bar revelry.  And while I was tipsy, I wasn’t drunk enough to ignore the fact that I was less than comfortable with my new grooming habits.  True, I embrace it in theory, but I was obviously not comfortable embracing it in practice because a shower sounded like a stellar idea.

Friends, it’s just that I didn’t know how I would have felt if THDT made an appearance that night.  After 10 years it can take awhile to get back in the swing of things and while I embrace change, I do so in a gradual way.  Suddenly, my newly ungroomed state had me in a panic and I can only tell you it was because I didn’t know the guy that well.  You might be the type that would rather experience this type of thing with a stranger and there’s nothing wrong with that.  I just happened to come to the conclusion that I need someone known, with whom I could guarantee acceptance.  If a guy, stranger or not, does not accept my non-bare nether regions then he’s a jerk but that night I didn’t feel confident I’d take a stand for myself if he gave me a weird look.  And if there’s a time that I might get a weird look I want to be sure I will say something and put him in his place to do my views on the subject justice.

At this point I should perhaps allay any fears you had for my HDT.  It took a lot of time to get back to the au naturale state so there was no way I’d completely undo my hard work, but I did do a bit of gardening (taking the yard bit too far?).  I don’t recommend wielding a razor at 12:30 AM, and at that hour the bar of soap becomes a slippery little sucker, but when all was said and done my nether regions resembled something more akin to a small copse.

I wish I could tell you the rest of my evening end involved dark corners, Ferragamo Fred, and a slip of the tongue, but alas, the wine started to leave my system and I resistance once again seemed like a good thing.   Needless to say, if you’re considering an experiment with your grooming habits, I recommend you consider the situation in advance. Think about what time will be ideal for you to embrace your newly natural state.  I’m a bit disappointed that I didn’t feel more comfortable with the situation and I would hope that others could have a different, more confident, experience if choosing to go that route.

-Kate

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20 thoughts on “The Hair Down There

  1. Good Lord, that was quite the experience you had. Let me just say, though, that from a guy’s perspective—while it’s true we may have a guy’s night session in the not so distant future that recounts the time we had to machette through the short and curly jungle—we’ll be focusing much more on “the time we went to the wedding and hooked up with a bridesmaid.” Ferragamo Fred would have enjoyed gardening in your yard whether the bushes were trimmed or not. Hot chicks in hot dresses have a mind erasing power that they sometimes forget they have! Holla!

    • This is both hilarious and one of the best guy comments I’ve ever seen. If only I’d known! My friends and I hash out every gory detail of our dating happenings so I could only assume men do the same thing. It’s still horrifying to think they may talk about my lady bits but nice to know they will be appreciated either way! ;)

  2. Ladies, your blog (and this entry in particular) is pretty much amazeballs. As someone whose life and blog is literally a collection of embarrassing dating moments, I’m kind of in love!

  3. I guess we are talking about more than a “five o’clock shadow” here. So be it. As a guy I can assure you that when it comes to a discussion of women and THDT you had me at the mere mention of the DT. The tonsorial arts may wax and wan but the center of the universe will still remain. That said I think that I am missing the point. Is it instead that how you feel on the inside and how you look on the outside are the same and must match? Another wining post.

    • Thank you! I’m not entirely sure of my point either. I wanted to fully embrace the bush and yet when faced with my first encounter… well, I guess it just takes a while to get over 10 years of a bare habit! ;)

  4. I recently read the old classic Gorky Park and Arkady (the main man) was quite taken with the ‘luxurious bush’ on the femme fatale. Perhaps THDT should be thought of in that way. I love your blog ladies!!

    • Thanks, Lydia! I swear, it’s only due to the porn industry that the idea of the ‘luxurious bush’ has gone away (at least in the younger generations). It needs to make a comeback because this bare thing isn’t healthy but I leave that post to Grace or Mae.

  5. Hahah, this was such a hilarious post. Sometimes people get so awfully vague with their posts and it annoys me; if you’re writing a blog, do it as yourself. This was wonderfully TMI =P I often wonder if the garden style is a ‘look’ only some people can pull off. But then again, unless the man before you has done excess interview searching and given himself high expectations, he shouldn’t be in too much of a toss (erm, hello, there’s a naked lady in front of him, he’s probably a bit preoccupied.)

    Eitherway, I love your blog so much. I wish I could marry it. It makes me laugh all the time x

    • Oh thank you, Lexie! I must tell you that I felt I did not pull off the look as well as I’d hoped but I think it’s only because I wasn’t used to it. After a number of hours staring at myself naked in front of the mirror and watching the gradual progression of the thing, it’s, um, grown on me. ;)

    • J – thank ya! I find I’m very much in need of the male perspective, especially in all muddy world of dating. I can’t tell you why* I never thought about the fact that guys probably only care about the DT and not TH but I am set straight!

      *Well, I have theories. But again, I’m leaving it to Mae or Grace as they seem to be more eloquent on the topic. I just have the TMI stories.

  6. Oh, lord. I’ve been made WAY too uncomfortable with THDT. I was working with a group of middle aged women. A woman who was my mother’s age (in her mid 50s), had been dating a man for quite awhile, and she was ready to take the plunge. At the time, I was the youngest person in the office at 25, and single as single could be. So what happened?

    She called me into her office and asked if I’d go out to lunch with her… As a friend… She wanted advice on the grooming habits of the twenty something. She wanted to know what she should do with THDT. She said “I could just go to the gym and watch women as they come out of the shower, but really, that seems likely to get me arrested!”

    It was quite possibly one of the most uncomfortable lunches I ever had in my whole entire life. Nothing about talking about THDT over a salad while trying not to think about a middle aged woman doing the dirty act for the first time in “a generation”…

    So, long story short? Thanks for the PTSD trigger :)

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