Manfriend Musings

Hello spinster friends!  I’m a tad bit late with a post this week which is due to some Exciting and completely exhausting Happenings in the Land of Hepburn.  You might not know this, but this little Kate is an introvert so a wild week of unexpected travel, a flat tire, and not a single night spent vegging on my sofa with a good romance and a pot of Earl Grey… well, let’s just say it’s Saturday morning, I’m still in my jammies, and I intend to stay that way.

I’m not a whiner and complainer, that’s a lie, don’t listen to me, but in these particularly trying types of weeks I’m reminded of those little things that a manfriend might bring to the situation.  Sometimes, I miss them.  I give you my short list:

The Arm/Back/You-Name-It Scratch.

Spinster friends, you know what I’m talking about!  Nothing is more lovely than a night spent in, forcing your beloved to watch HGTV’s Design Time Saturday Night, and getting a good arm scratch.  One of those wooden back scratchers just will not do.  And nevermind if most men have nubs for nails.  It’s soothing either way.  Plus, I’ve perfected the technique so the future Mr. Hepburn need not put out more effort than necessary.  It’s called the Hot Dog.  Step 1: Place arm directly in front of partner.  Step 2: Manfriend starts scratching arm in a horizontal motion.  Step 3:  Rotate your arm like a hot dog at a hot dog stand and behold! total arm scratch satisfaction.

The Flat Tire Savior.

I know how to change a flat.  In fact, it was one of the first things I did in driving school.  (Aside: Did you know that in Texas we didn’t have to take behind-the-wheel tests???  We required only 7 hours of actual driving time.  Yah, I know.  So, if you’re ever in this state, forgive us on the road.  We know not what we do.  Well, I mean, I do but I can’t say the others have a clue.)  So when I get a flat tire, I just want to have someone to call.  Someone who would come and hang out with me while I remedy the situation.  Or if not that, and if I was fortunate to have an awesome company that sends someone to fill my tire with air, someone who would at least lend me their car so I’m not scrambling to figure out how to get to Very Important Places the next day.  That’s a particular spinster challenge, I feel – the lack of a second car option is the pits!

Breakfast in Bed

Alright, alright, nobody has ever made me breakfast in bed.  But as I’m sitting here in my jammies it strikes me as something that would be really nice.  I’d like a stack of four pancakes.  No, make that five, just in case.  With a little pat of butter and two bitty twin pots of crème anglaise, and raspberry jelly.  A cup of Early Grey with a tiny spoon that has a dob of honey would also be nice.  And a big glass of 1% milk.  Oh, and sausage links!  I love sausage links.  And if Mr. Hepburn would be so kind, that romance I left on the couch the other night.  He romanced me enough last night, I’ll give him a break this morning.

What am I missing?  What other nice things might a manfriend* do?

*Or ladyfriend as I can’t leave out our beloved gentlemen spinster friends!

-Kate

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23 thoughts on “Manfriend Musings

  1. My spinster-y friends and I have conjured up an entity known as the “grilled-cheese-boyfriend” and I think his talents should be added to your list. The “Grilled-Cheese-Boyfriend” knows exactly how I like my grilled cheese and will make it – nay is genuinely enthusiastic to make it – for me at any time.

    • I am totally adding this to my list! And since I have your permission, I’m stealing the grilled cheese boyfriend concept, tho rest assured I’ll give you credit. ;)

  2. I swear, in my future husband’s vows will be the words: “I will kill every roach that dares cross our threshold.” Roach-squashing is one of the top benefits of a manfriend. As it is, I’m trying to train Remy to do it. Bichons are not hiding bravery in all that fluffy cuteness, it turns out…

  3. The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Possibly true. The way to a woman’s heart is through the trunk of her car, or wherever else the spare tire is kept. Possibly. But definately a fun post regardless.

    • I know, right? We also had to get 7 hours of driving observation but that shouldn’t even count for anything. I got all of my 7 hours within the course of 2 weeks (something to do with a lost birth certificate – yes, mother, I’m looking at you!). So, if you ever come here… BEWARE.

      Interestingly, learning how to parallel park isn’t even part of the official curriculum.

    • You enjoy that beer! No guilt!

      Lord, I need someone to do my dishes. My sink is like a science experiment most of the time… (I wish I could call that exaggeration)

  4. The best part of a manfriend is when he fixes things in your apartment. My disposal was broken, I had a new curtain rod to hang (again, surprisingly no euphemism there), and the vertical blinds wouldn’t open in the living room…who am I to say no to a manfriend who can fix all those things, and offer up a little sexual satisfaction like an amouse bouche on the side? Yes please!

  5. Get some Fix-A-Flat (its a virtual Man-In-A-Can savior :D ) and keep it under the front seat. Well, actually, last year my can froze and I couldn’t use it when I needed it. But in the past, the fix-a-flat has really come through for me. Now if I could only train it to mow the lawn, too (I Sooooo hate mowing the lawn :( )

    • I only had to mow the lawn one time when I was in the 4th grade and my parents were in Australia for their anniversary. Thank gawd I’ve managed to avoid that one!

      I hear Fix-A-Flat can ruin your tire, tho?

  6. I can’t believe you have never had breakfast in bed *shocked gasp*!
    Other things I got married for: Taking tedious phone calls in the evening when I’m all out of polite chatter for the day, and (I know I’m getting a bit ahead of yourself here but trust me, I would have died without him) cleaning away the results of *our* morning-midday-afternoon-evening-and-night sickness when *we* were pregnant. I suppose without him I wouldn’t have been in the situation in the first place but, to his credit, he lived up to his obligations.

    • Remind me to tell you how pregnancy terrifies me! Seriously, I used to verge on passing out when people would talk about even the most innocent things, like swollen feet. There must be some official phobia name for it!

      Like the phone calls, I would like someone to answer the door. Not that I’m popular and entertaining social calls all the time, but OMG does it startle the crud out of me when I get a knock on the door at night.

      And your hubs definitely lived up to his obligations! :)

  7. Another man friend benefit, when they Wash Your Car. Ahhhh, so nice!
    Also, we’ve been told (and I must attest) that Tyler, Texans (Easy Texans) are the worst drivers. Personally, I’ve been in a few fender benders… Ooopps.

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