Straight up y’all, I love getting spam comments. They tickle me pink. I absolutely adore reading through all our Spinster spam and just laughing and laughing for hours….and also there is wine involved. But last week, we got a spam comment to rule them all! The first line was “How to get a man without looking desperate.” Obviously, they had me from hello.
Apparently there are several things we woman do to scare the men away. Ladies, I’m going to repeat that again. You. Are. Scaring. The. Men. Away. How? By being too fabulous. Your fabulosity (I put the full blame on Sex and the City for me using that word) is like looking straight into the sun- it blinds men and sends them running for their very dark man caves. So, what should you do? Well, according to this I-swear-I’m-not-making-this-up spam comment there are 7 things every woman looking for her soulmate should do.
1. Make a plan. Apparently, you can force life to stick to an action plan. If I were y’all, I would go ahead and make a plan to bump into your soulmate at Trader Joe’s tomorrow morning. Otherwise, it will never happen. It’s all about planning.
2. Do NOT have sex with them until you are married. If you sleep with him, he will think you’re a Slutty McSlutterson and will only continue seeing you to get at your ladyparts. Then, when he has used your ladyparts up, he will leave you and marry a virgin. Those are the breaks kid.
3. Dress better. If you aren’t wearing a ball-gown, then you are a slob and no one will ever want you. Business casual? Might as well call it single-for-life casual.
4. You must never get angry. Ever. If you get mad at anything ever then you are failing as a woman. The second you stop smiling is the second you lose out on love for all eternity.
5. Do NOT be smarter than the man. In fact, don’t even be only slightly less smart than the man, you must always be the dumb one. Didn’t you know that men hate intelligent women? You are there to look pretty and be petted, like a shih tzu. If you say something intelligent or witty or even moderately bright then the man will lose his ability to get a boner for you forever.
6. Be skinny. If you aren’t in supermodel shape then don’t even bother trying. Your best friend should be your gym membership.
7. Try voodoo.
Seriously. The last and most important thing a woman can do to get a man is voodoo. But, when you compare it to all the other bullshit in this spam comment, voodoo seems by far the most legitimate advice. Make of that what you will.