The Hell?

I’m engaged as most of you know, and I think that it’s pretty damn spectacular. I mean, finding someone who loves you completely for who you really are and treats you as a partner in life isn’t exactly an easy thing to find. Truth be told? I struck the fuckin love lottery. But ever since I struck the love lottery, certain ladies I know have thrown some shade my way in regard to my marriage. The shade comes in the form of “Oh! That’s great for you. I’m just too ambitious to get married right now.” to which I reply, “The hell?”

 Why in the world would marriage make me less ambitious? I’m still writing a book, am I not? I’m still working full-time in a competitive marketing agency, am I not? I continue to make goals for myself, do I not? If you prick me, do I not bleed ambition? What. The. Hell. How dare you cast aspersion on my ambition. I’ve lived on my own for years now, paid my own way, worked and lived solely for myself and enjoyed it. Now, I’ve met someone I am madly in love with, who supports and encourages me to continue setting and achieving goals, and somehow that means I’m not ambitious anymore? No. Uh-uh. I reject your shade. I am just as ambitious if not more so than I was before. AND I’m in love. Save your shade for the beach and deal with it.
-Mae
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28 thoughts on “The Hell?

    • That was my first thought as well, but I’m wondering if it could be something more complicated than jealousy?? And then I stop wondering about it because it makes my head hurt. ;)

      • Maybe they’re just making assumptions based on a very traditonal view of life. Say, in the past that’s exactly what would happen: a woman would get married and henceforth stay at home and be content changing diapers and keeping the house clean.
        Take this example: my sister just had her first baby and she’s really happy in her relationship with the baby’s father – but they’re not married. However, when she told us she was pregnant, my mom’s instant reply way: “So will you be getting married before or after the baby comes?”. The answer was: neither. Getting married is not what they’re planning on doing – or to them it has nothing to do with having a child. But my mother assumed it does.
        Maybe these women cannot imagine a life where you live on like you did before EVEN THOUGH you’re married. Poor them.

  1. The problem with that kind of comment is that it is completely self-centered. These ladies your refering to can’t just be contented with being happy for you. They need to bring in their own self-esteem into the matter … This is utterly selfish and I can only imagine the kind of sad and unhappy lives those persons must be living … This must be unhappy lives for, as Stephen Fry said, “self pitty destroys everything around except itself” and the secret of happiness is to be found in the ability to stop feeling sorry for oneself.

    Anyway, I can only wish you the best of luck in your mariage and a long and painful death to the ones who would not join in my congrats.

    Cheers,
    J.

    • Thank you! I think that’s a really interesting thought on this. My first thought was that they are jealous but I think you’re definitely on to something with the selfish theory. The more I think about it, the more I think that it might be less jealousy and more selfishness. Thanks for the great comment!

  2. I always despise when I vent to others about something someone has done or said to me and the response is “they’re just jealous”… but, in this case, who would HONESTLY state: “I do NOT want someone to love and support me unconditionally… and I DEFINITELY do not want someone to hug me when I’m sad or celebrate with me when I’m happy”… I mean… NO ONE. The people making these comments ARE unhappy with their own relationships or lack thereof and feel the need to belittle your happiness. It’s situations like these where you truly find out who are your friends, and who are merely acquaintances. I have a best friend that wishes to never be married, but she is ecstatically excited for the day that my beaux and I tie the knot :)

    http://missfitmisfit.wordpress.com/

  3. What? You mean your marriage isn’t going to change you into the perfect little Stepford wife to cater to every whim of your husband? Your house won’t be spotless and a hot 5 course meal on the table every night at 7 sharp?
    I do believe some people have some really misconstrued version of marriage. Good on you for remaining the ambitious woman you are!

  4. This is an interesting one, Mae. It occurred to me that perhaps these people are referring more to having to compromise and “share” with another person rather than any lack of ambition on your part. Maybe their response should really be stated as “I’m just too selfish with my own time and life goals to have to compromise or even share a bathroom right now.” Knowing that one isn’t ready for that, is not necessarily a bad thing. After all, love and marriage often entail compromise; where a couple will live, how clean they will keep house, where they might have to move for a job/s, how often they will interact with each others families, etc. I know I’ve certainly been in a place where I simply wasn’t ready to deal with any of the above. What these people seem to fundamentally lack, however, is tact. They should have stopped talking at “congratulations.”

  5. Love this! We are not the kind of woman who grow up to become the perfect house wife. No no! I look for a man who supports me, pushes me, believes in me, and knows I can accomplish whatever goal I’m pursuing. You (obviously) are the same way. (Sorry for my rant in response to your blog post!) Great post!

  6. Well said Mae! Ambition has nothing to do with marriage in our modern days. Those girls are just trying to reassure themselves about their situation. What do you usually reply to them? The best answer Ican think of would be humour or irony I guess.

  7. What a bizarre thing for people to say. Maybe they are associating marriage with kids, who definitely take a lot of attention and can slow down one’s career path, I suppose. (So I’ve heard, anyway.)

    Whatever – I’d just brush it off, I think.

  8. It’s the misery loves company theme. No one wants to be left behind, and we girls are super catty (whether we admit it or not). Sounds like you’re very successful in your career and now in your love life. Some women just can’t manage both. So take it as a compliment if any “haters” make those comments. It’s just an even bigger testiment to your success :) plus…. They’ll be even more agitated when you could care less about their opinion! Congrats on the engagement :)

  9. I think they’re just reflecting society’s view that once you get married, your life is over. All that’s left is to have kids & die. It seems to be particularly bad for women, since it seems like most people assume once you’re married a woman must become completely subservient to her husband. His career goals, wants, etc. automatically override yours. This is, of course, completely nonsense & breeds nothing but resentment in the relationship. So long as both parties share in the balance of work & home life, there’s no reason the couple can’t both have flourishing careers.

  10. For some odd reason, I wanted to tell you that the first thing I did when I joined wordpress today was “followed” your blog. It’s hilarious and adorable! Can’t wait to read more!
    -KateLynne

  11. Well personally, I’ve become more ambitious after I got married. It took a lot of uncertainties out of my life giving me time to focus on goals and dreams I had put on the back burner. I agree with you! Marriage and ambition have nothing to do with each other… Why would people use that as an excuse? I also don’t really understand why they feel the need to validate themselves compared to your life… different things happen at different times for different people. ?? Oh well, don’t let it get to you. Enjoy your marriage! :)

  12. Unfortunately, women can be a catty bunch. I experienced the same thing coming from my BEST friend when I got married last year, but I knew where her hurt was coming from (she had been engaged the year prior, and let’s just say it ended badly (i.e. not in marriage)). Just prepare yourself if you guys plan on having kids – if you’re the first one of your friends to get pregnant there will definitely be hurtful things thrown your way. Do your best to brush it off, because you can see where their comments are coming from (not AT ALL to do with you or your happiness and ambition). Surround yourself with those friends who are your cheerleaders and you’ll be a much happier (and drama free) person for it! =)

  13. Sometimes when people say they are “too ambitious” they mean that they are selfish in the pursuit of their goals. They don’t want to have to consider the other person’s job, or friends or family if an opportunity arises for them. This whole article is really passive aggressive. Your single friends aren’t just being jealous bitches when they say something like this.

    • I appreciate your definition of “too ambitious” and think it’s probably true in a lot of cases. However, when someone says this immediately after hearing happy news of an engagement, it’s pretty obvious that it’s meant to imply I’m not ambitious enough. I also agree it’s possible they aren’t jealous at all. Of course, it’s also equally possible they are, in fact, jealous. The world is just full of possibilites, isn’t it?

      The great thing about blogging, and in particular, blogging anonymously? I’m allowed to be passive agressive as much as I like, or ridiculous, or hilarious, or angry, or opinionated, or insane, or blissful. It’s my space and I own it- I feel my feelings on this blog whether or not they’re passive agressive or make other people uncomfortable. Again, that’s what makes blogging anonymously so fantastic. :)

      • Yes, I just did not think people should make assumptions about their single friends being jealous. Maybe you should have just asked your friends what they meant?

        • To be honest, I’m not interested in why they chose to respond to my engagement the way they did. What interests me is that people I’ve been close to couldn’t find it within themselves to be simply happy for me, without making it about themselves. It doesn’t matter if they’re jealous, what matters is that their first instinct was to turn a happy life event for me into something about them.

  14. Huh, that’s very reminiscent of what happened to me when I finished my first degree back in 1999. At that stage I had lived with my boyfriend for about 5 years. A lot of people went “Congrats. So, are you getting married now?” As if the degree was the peak of my career, I would never reach any more and might as well get married and become a housewife. People sure have strange views of a modern relationship.

  15. Really, in this day and age, it’s one or the other? Women think that it’s still a choice between a career and a marriage? Wow.

    On the other hand, it’s plausible that these women are just feeling a little short-changed because you have something they don’t have and their response is a petty passive-aggressive jibe. Either way, congratulations to you and, uh, good luck to them.

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